


Nobody Breaks My Heart  (And, Anyway, Why Would I Want That?)

by redreaper86



Category: The Batman (Cartoon 2004)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Belly Rubs, Ed has been hurt before so he acts like a bitch at first, Enemies to Lovers, First Dates, First Kiss, Goth!Edward, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Joker is actually a decent friend to Ozzie, M/M, Nicknames, Not until the end tho, Oswald Cobblepot in a crop top, Picnics, Skater!Oswald
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-25
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:00:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27708005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redreaper86/pseuds/redreaper86
Summary: Oswald, a teenage skater-punk, loves to play pranks on unsuspecting drivers in order to scam money from them.One day, the unlucky chump is one Mr. Nygma, father of Oswald's chief rival (and secret crush) at Arkham High, Edward.Oswald manages to fool the dimwitted Mr. Nygma, but not the man's genius-goth son, who witnesses the entire event go down.
Relationships: Oswald Cobblepot/Edward Nygma
Comments: 18
Kudos: 34





	1. Chapter 1

"It's your turn, Pengy." 

The speaker, a wiry, chalk-skinned teen with yellow teeth, red eyes and long green dreadlocks handed a fistful of ketchup packets to the addressed -- a short, chubby youth with ginger hair and big blue eyes.

The boys were standing at a corner café right across the street from Arkham High, where cars coming around the corner couldn't see around to the other side. Making it very easy to glide out on one's skateboard, one's face smothered in ketchup, tumble harmlessly over the hood of the unfortunate car, muster up some tears and accept the handful of cash the agitated driver would hand one to shut one up.

Oswald snatched them from Joker's grasp, tore several open with his sharp teeth, smeared their contents strategically on his face to look like cuts and scrapes.

The accelerating roar of an engine could be heard from around the corner.

"Hurry up!" Joker hissed, poking Oswald rudely in the back. Oswald swatted him away.

"Don't rush me, clown." The car sounded like it was coming awfully fast and Oswald didn't want to end up in hospital for real. Joker sensed Oswald’s hesitance.

"What're you, _chicken_ , Pengy?" he jeered. "Bock, bock!" He started doing a weird chicken dance right there on the sidewalk. Out of sheer second-hand embarrassment Oswald skated into the street just as the car came careening around the corner. He jumped off his skateboard just in time and landed on the hood of the car as it came to a screeching halt. Oswald rolled easily off the hood and onto the pavement. Now it was Joker's cue in their little charade and he played his part perfectly:

"HEY!" he bellowed. "You ran over my friend!"

Oswald couldn't see for the 'blood' in his eyes, but he felt Joker haul him to his feet and heard the car door open and the curses coming from the decidedly male and definitely irate driver.

"What the fuck did you jump in the middle of the road for, you idiot?" the driver demanded.

Oswald let out a howl of pain that startled even himself: "I'M BLIND!"

"You fucking blinded him!" Joker yelled, sounding outraged on Oswald's behalf. Say what you would about him, the clown was a good actor. "I'm calling the cops!"

"Wait!" The driver said, just as both teens knew he eventually would. "How about some money to make this go away?"

A thrill of laughter danced in Oswald's throat. This had to be a record for dimwitted drivers willing to part with their cash.

"He's lost his _sight_ because of you," Joker began, his tones dripping with righteous fury. "And you think you can just buy your way out of this with a measly -- thousand dollars?"

Oswald kept up his obligatory groans of pain but inside he was doing cartwheels. This would be their biggest haul yet! If the driver didn't catch on, that is...

"It's all I have..."

Joker snatched the money from the man's hand. "We'll take it. But I suggest you be more careful behind the wheel, Mister."

The man promised he would and in a squeal of tires he was gone. Joker and Oswald burst out laughing.

"What a dope!" Joker cackled, slapping his thigh. "You were great, Pengy. 'I'm blind...'"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Oswald cleared the ketchup from his eyes. "Give me my half of the money now."

"Wow," said a new voice. Both Oswald and Joker looked up from counting their ill-gotten gains to see the slender, gothic form of Edward Nygma, watching them knowingly.

"Beat it, nerd," Joker said. "Pengy's hurt real bad because of your old man and this money is going to pay for his hospital bills."

Edward did not 'beat it,' however. Instead, he sashayed over to Oswald, swiped a long slim finger across the shorter teen's chubby cheek, collecting a hefty dollop of 'blood,' which he then stuck in his mouth.

" _Yum_."

Tossing his long black hair over his shoulder, Edward strode across the street to the high school on his obnoxiously long legs, leaving Joker and Oswald staring after him.


	2. Chapter 2

"If he tells his old man..." Joker began.

"I know," Oswald interrupted. "Don't worry about it. I'll handle him."

"Or he'll handle _you_ ," Joker snickered. "Goth-boy digs you."

"Bull." Oswald said, gliding across the street on his skateboard, Joker beside him. "He hates me. That's why he's blackmailing me."

"You don't know that for sure," Joker insisted as they made their way through the crowded campus of Arkham High. "Did you see the way he was looking at you? They call that 'undressing with the eyes' in old books."

Oswald felt his face grow hot at the thought of Edward imagining him naked.

Joker saw Oswald blush and, of course, laughed at him. "You should ask him out," he said.

"No."

"You're scared he'll turn you down, aren’t you?" Joker crowed. "You're not a penguin, you're a chicken."

"Don't start," Oswald snapped, sensing another impending chicken dance from his friend.

"Ask him out, then."

"I don't want to."

"Chicken!" Joker yelled, breaking into the dreaded dance imitating that fowl. "Forevermore, that's your new name. The Chicken. Every time a Faberge egg is stolen from a museum the headlines'll say: 'The Chicken Struck Again!' The Iceburg Lounge will be called the Iceberg Coup. And at your wedding, I'll sing: bock, bock, bock-bock-bock!" He clucked to the tune of Here Comes The Bride.

"Would you shut up?"

"Oh, _wait_!" Joker exclaimed, snapping his fingers. "You won't have a wedding 'cause you're too _chicken_ to ask the love of your life on a first date. You'll die alone, having never known love and at your funeral, I'll sing: bock, bock --"

"Alright, I'll ask him out!" Oswald snapped. That bit about dying alone having never known love wasn't at all funny to him. It hit too close to home.

Joker got all teary eyed. He clasped his hands to his cheek and spun romantically around. "My little bird, all grown up."

It was times like these that Oswald wished he had normal fingers instead of flippers so that he could flip Joker the bird. As it was, he had to settle for the verbal equivalent. "Up yours, clown."

With that parting shot, he went in search of Edward, Joker's maniacal laughter following behind him.

Oswald found his arch-rival and love of his life leaning into his locker mirror, applying pitch-black lipstick to his sculpted lips, his narrow skinny-jean clad derrière hoisted temptingly in the air. Oswald was torn between kicking it or slapping it. He resolved to do neither. His mother had raised a gentleman. Also, he didn't want to wind up in detention.

"Oi, Skinny!" he said, shouting to be heard over the cacophony of voices of the students around them. He'd called Edward 'Skinny' for as long as he'd known him, because it annoyed the other boy and also in revenge for Ed always calling him --

"Chubby," Edward said in a bored tone, still touching up his licorice-coloured lips. "To what do I owe the pleasure?"

No matter how many times Edward called him by that sobriquet, Oswald's stomach never failed to flutter as though it had been thoroughly tickled. He hated the feeling and loved it at the same time.

"I'm here to ask you..." Oswald began, then stopped.

"You're here to ask me..." Edward helped mockingly, arching his perfect eyebrows as he popped the cap back on his lipstick.

"If you're going to tell your old man that he didn't really hit me with his car and the whole thing was a scam."

"And if I told you I was?"

"I'd ask you to please not." Oswald said lamely.

Edward smirked. "I'm not going to tell my father on you. He deserves to get scammed. I hope you enjoy the money you got out of the old bastard."

"I intend to."

"Good," Edward said. And when Oswald still lingered: "Is there anything else you want to say to me?"

Oswald's heart flip-flopped. "Um...Yes, actually." Here he went. Just like ripping off a Band Aid. "You and me -- we'd be good together, right?" It took all his willpower not to outwardly cringe at his horrible pick-up line. He could feel his cheeks heat up, knew that Ed was watching them redden, which only made them turn even redder.

"What, like, as a couple?" Edward made a _moue_ with his painted mouth in the mirror. "I don't know, Chubby. I'll break your heart."

"Maybe I'll break yours." Oswald offered lightly.

A kind of sorrow came over Edward. It drooped his graceful pointy shoulders, and made his silky raven hair go limp. "Nobody breaks my heart," he said finally, his tone cold. "And, anyway," he closed his locker door with a bang, "why would I want that?"

Oswald blinked, stung at Ed's sudden sharpness. "I won't break your heart, then," he said, trying to be cheerful in spite of Ed's spite. "I promise."

"Oh, you _promise_?" Edward sneered, his pretty face twisting with bitterness. "Well, I _don't_ promise not to break yours. In fact, I promise the opposite: I _promise_ to smash your hopeful little heart into a billion peices, stomp it into the cement until there is nothing left of it, not even a bloody smear. What do you think of _that_ , Chubby?"

"I think you're trying to scare me off," Oswald said, staring right into those blazing kohl-lined grey eyes. "But it's not going to work. See, my heart's pretty tough. It's been through a lot. It can take whatever you throw at it, Skinny. I'm not going to be scared off by your emo theatrics --"

"I'm _goth_ \--" Ed began, utterly insulted.

"And I've _noticed_ ," Oswald went on, raising his voice over Ed's, "that you still haven't given me an answer. Will you go out with me?"

"I -- I don't --" Edward stammered, having obviously never been spoken to that way before.

"Yes? No? Maybe so?" Oswald was enjoying the other boy's sallow face turn red for once. "I want an answer, Edward, preferably while we're both young."

" _Yes_ \-- yes!" Edward snapped, his usually pale face flushed pink. "I'll go out with you."

"Is Ivy's Park after school good for you?" Oswald asked politely, as though their previous spat hadn't even happened.

"Yes." Edward quickly tucked an inky lock behind his ear. "That sounds great."

"It's a date, then." Oswald grinned, feeling as though he'd just won a war which, in a way, he had. "See ya, Skinny."


	3. Chapter 3

Ivy's Park was lushly green, even though it was fall. Oswald went straight to the park after school and sat on a bench. He waited anxiously for half an hour before he got up, dejected, to leave --

Only to see Edward tottering toward him, a large paper bag from the café wedged in the crook of his elbow and a tray with two coffees in big paper cups. Oswald quickly wiped his eyes which had been welling with tears of disappointment and gave Ed a smile of greeting.

"You got peckish, Skinny?" He hurried over to the taller boy and relieved him of his huge paper bag.

"Not hardly," Edward replied haughtily, following along in Oswald's wake, a steaming coffee in each hand. "I just know how much of a little glutton you are, so I thought you might be hungry for some sandwiches and donuts."

"That was very sweet of you," Oswald said, letting the 'glutton' diss slide. Not only was it true but Edward clearly felt the need to regain some face after the dressing-down Oswald had given him in the hallway.

Oswald waddled over to the base of the nearest oak tree, clutching the big bag of food, eager to tuck in to the contents of it. He sat down hard, without ceremony, and immediately fished out a sandwich.

Edward lowered himself to the ground with the grace of a trained ballerina, folding his long legs under him. He checked the labels of both coffees before handing one to Oswald. "This one's yours."

Oswald took a sip of it and was pleasantly surprised that it was an English Toffee cappuccino with three extra dollops of whipped cream -- his favourite. How did Edward know? Oswald decided not to ask him but his heart beat faster to think that Ed had been watching him as much as Oswald had Ed. Maybe Oswald's crush was not so one-sided after all?

Edward sipped his own dark roast black coffee as Oswald inhaled sandwich after sandwich, donut after donut. "This is nice," Edward said finally. "Thank you for asking me out, Chubby."

"You're welcome, Skinny," Oswald said, his cheeks puffed out with a powdered jelly donut (his fifth after six sandwiches and a large cappuccino). "Thank you for saying yes."

"How could I say otherwise?" Edward said quietly, so quietly Oswald thought he had misheard. So he said instead:

"Are you sure you don't want to eat something?"

"No, I prefer to watch you eat everything."

Oswald's face went hot. "You, Edward Nygma, are weird."

"And you, Oswald Cobblepot..." Edward's silvery eyes raked over Oswald's body, making him blush even harder, "...have eaten all the food. You should be called turkey, not penguin, the way you stuff yourself."

"Why do you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Act like an angel one minute and a bitch the next?"

Edward laughed softly. "Is that how you see me? A bitchy angel?"

"Sometimes." Oswald shifted, his stomach uncomfortably full and straining against his usually loose t-shirt. "How do you see me?" He regretted the question as soon as it left his mouth.

"Just as you are," Edward replied, staring off into the distance. "A little bird who cares entirely too much about people. It's better not to care at all. You don't get hurt that way.

"The words is filled with ravenous wolves, Oswald. And they're hungry. Really fucking hungry. They'll swallow you whole, just like they did me." He lowered his eyelashes and a tear sped down his hollow cheek.

"I'm not scared, Ed," Oswald said. If he were a real bird his feathers would have ruffled up. "Do you hear me? I won't let anyone hurt you anymore."

Edward turned his smudged, lovely face to Oswald. "You're quite beautiful like this, you know."

"Like what?"

"So small and fierce, ready to fight the wolves of the world, all to save a bitchy angel who can't seem to stop insulting you."

Oswald smiled. "Those were insults? I thought you were flirting."

"I was, but I didn't expect you to take it that way."

"I already told you, Skinny," Oswald said, smirking proudly. "You'll have to try a lot harder to scare me away."

"I don't want to scare you away anymore, Chubby," Edward said.

"No? What, then?" Oswald asked.

"Right now? I want to kiss you."

"Yeah?" Oswald tried not to let his joy show, but he could feel his traitorous face already beaming at the prospect. "Go on, then."

Edward looked him up and down again and Oswald finally got what Joker meant with his 'undressing with the eyes' comment. Then Ed crawled over to Oswald, straddling the shorter boy's lap, his long spindly viridian-clad limbs reminding Oswald of a praying mantis. Weren't those the insects that loved so mush that they literally ate the object of their desire all up?

Oswald gasped as Edward sealed his mouth over his, moving his lips gently over the shorter boy's. Oswald tasted the candy-like flavourful of Edward's lipstick and the bitter coffee which the latter had just been drinking. Oswald responded to Ed's kiss in turn, confident that his own mouth tasted very good indeed, what with all the donuts he'd just gorged on. Speaking of those many donuts, which were now crammed into his belly, puffing it out even more than usual --

Edward was sliding his palms all over Oswald's aforementioned overstuffed tummy, causing it to gurgle with pleasure. Oswald broke the kiss to murmur teasingly against Ed's sharp jawline:

"You like that I'm chubby, don't you, Ed?"

Edward chuckled as he slid Oswald’s shirt up, scouring the skin underneath with his glossy black nails. "How could I not? You are adorable, Oswald. You should show yourself off a little more, instead of wearing these baggy clothes that are too big for you."

"What, like a crop top?" Oswald joked, not at all expecting Ed to not vigorously.

"I would _love_ to see that. In fact --" Edward tied the t-shirt just above Oswald's navel, exposing a delicious stripe of the shorter boy's belly pudge, "-- _voilà_. All you need now is a bellybutton ring."

Oswald, whose heart was racing and stomach tingling, glanced up at Ed to search the taller boy's face for any sign of mockery. When all he saw was a bit of shyness and a fair amount of adoration, he reached into his pocket for the money he'd scammed from Edward's dad.

"Wanna get some piercings?"

Edward grinned at the prospect. "Safe." (That was Ed's word for 'cool' because 'cool' was just too mainstream for him.)

Oswald got up with a grunt. He reached for Ed's long slim fingers and slipped his own webbed ones into them.

His heart sang when Ed squeezed back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is mildly inspired by the British tv show, Skins.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who left kudos and comments on this work! <3


End file.
